Children aren’t afraid to talk about skin tone…Why are their parents?

 When our children talk about skin color, we parents don’t have to be afraid to engage in their conversations. Actually we can let them lead the way. When children talk about their friend’s skin being brown, peach, pink, etc., they are simply noticing the obvious. 

But parents have been shamed into shunning conversations about skin color, opting instead to embrace the seemingly more safe and politically correct colorblind approach.

Colorblindess—the notion, the theory, the language or lack thereof—has made parents a false promise. If we don’t see skin color (or talk about it), racism will go away. I wish it were true. But it’s just not.

Research shows that because children are developmentally prone to in-group favoritism, avoiding conversations about race and skin tone will not produce color-blindness. Instead, the colorblind approach will rob them/us of language and power to address race-based issues when the opportunity presents itself.

The observation of skin tone is not inherently connected to the social political construct of race. So, in our family, we empower our children by giving them language and freedom to talk about skin tones and other obvious differences. For example, the ethnic make up in our family is white dad, black mom, and three multi-ethnic little girls. We have given ourselves a language and narrative to acknowledge our five different ‘hues of brown’ (and five different hair textures) without using race terminology like ‘white’ and ‘black.’

Having conversations about skin tone void of shame and discomfort in their early years has established a safe space and frame work for educating them about the complexities of race ideology. Our then seven year old articulated her understanding of race as a terrible idea created a long time ago, that if not for Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., would have made it impossible for her to be born! She expressed anger about the invention and existence of race and racism. (Yay! We want anger to be pointed towards the idea and legacy of race, not towards a group of people.) 

I was amazed at how she formulated this position. She had read Meet Addy: An American Girl series, Who Was Martin Luther King, Jr.?, Who Was Abraham Lincoln?, both of the Who Was…? series, to name of few. She had lots of questions and I gave her age appropriate answers. 

As parents, we can not allow fear to keep us from having these conversations. Shunning comments about skin tone and race in the warmth of our loving homes, may leave our children susceptible to the conditioning of institutionalized racial narratives. Let’s empower our children to create a more beautiful world.

Here are a few related resources.

• Summary of Nurture Shock: Chapter 3 – Why White Parents Don’t Talk about Race
  • You can find the partial chapter online.
• CNN. Anderson Cooper. A Look At Race Relations Through A Child’s Eyes.

In the comments section, please share your resources and practices or any questions you may have.

By Lucretia Berry

I am a wife, mother, educator, writer, and speaker. I am passionate about helping people overcome boundaries through spiritual and social consciousness. I love the work of ONEness and  am co-creator of Brownicity: The Art & Beauty of Living & Loving Beyond Race, our platform for inspiring, equipping and empowering people to eradicate race ideology.
You can connect with me at Brownicity, on Facebook & Twitter.

When children have questions about skin tone, how will you respond? with Lucretia Berry

National Nanny Training Day

‘Why is your skin a different color than mine?’

‘My skin is not white/black, why is it called white/black?’

What are some of the skin tone or race related questions that you’ve been asked by a child? One summer I was collecting data in an Appalachian preschool where everyone was white. A sweet little boy walked up to me and asked me why my legs were brown. I could sense that his question made the adults uncomfortable, but I thought that he and his question were adorable. How would you have answered his question?

Addressing the toddler was easy. It was the discomfort of the adults that caught me off guard. Why were the adults uncomfortable with his question? Because they were more than likely taught to be colorblind. Colorblindness is the notion that If we say we don’t see skin color or talk about it, racism will go away and that the person who mentions skin tone or race is racist. I guess colorblindness sounds good in theory, but not only did it make us an empty promise, it left us void of the language and ability to have seemingly simple conversations with children.

You shouldn’t avoid talking with children about skin tone and race. Research shows that because children are developmentally prone to in-group favoritism, shunning conversations about race and skin tone will not produce the desired ‘everyone is equal’ mindset.

Having conversations about skin tone void of shame and discomfort in their early years empowers children with the right language and foundation for engaging in more complex conversations about race when the opportunity presents itself.

Here are some ways to talk with children about skin tone and race. When children talk about skin being brown, peach, pink, etc., they are simply noticing the obvious. The observation of skin tone is not inherently connected to the social, political construct of race. So, when children have questions about skin tone, we don’t need to launch into a civil rights speech right away.

Here is how it plays out in our home. Our family is multi-ethnic—white dad, black mom, and three little girls, currently ranging in ages from four to eight. Because the race concept is complex and confusing (for adults to understand, let alone children) we gave ourselves a language and narrative to acknowledge our five different skin tones (and five different hair textures) without using race terminology like ‘white’ and ‘black.’  Starting from when our oldest was a preschooler, here’s a little of what we do.

1. We talk about ‘melanin’. Melanin is why our skin tones are different ‘hues of brown.’ Mommy has more or darker melanin. Daddy has lighter or less. We use fun descriptors for our skin tone like ‘sugar cookie, caramel, peanut butter, chocolate.’ We make up songs about our different skin tones and we celebrate them!  (SIDE BAR: We talk about our hair in terms of various degrees, ranging from dad’s super straight hair to mommy’s infinitely kinky curly hair. There is no ‘white hair, black hair or ethnic hair.)
2. We talk about geography and ancestry. Our children’s ancestors who lived closer to the equator have darker melanin and their ancestors who lived further away from the equator have lighter melanin. Having ancestors from Italy, Germany and Africa has contributed to our beautiful ‘hues of brown.’ 
3. We talk about the history of race/ism. Around seven years of age, our oldest daughter understood the concept of race. We explained that around 400 years ago, someone divided people by skin color in order to give white people advantages by taking away opportunities for people of color. She read non-fiction children’s books, like Who Was Abraham Lincoln, Meet Addy: An American Girl, Who Was Martin Luther King, Jr., and learned of the atrocities and consequences of racism. As you can imagine, racism upsets children (as it should), so we also talk a lot about hope for the future. If we are educated about race/ism and passionate about change, we can create a better world!     

In children, we have the opportunity to cultivate a future overflowing with love, justice, peace, unity and fun. Telling the truth about skin tone and race/ism will only equip and empower them to help get us there. 

Related Resources

Your Children See Color—and It’s Beautiful! Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Be Afraid to Talk About It. Online: For Every Mom. Lucretia Berry (2016)

Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race: Does teaching children about race and skin color make them better off or worse? Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children. Bronson & Merryman. (2009) Here is a summary.

I am a wife, mother, educator, writer, and speaker. I am passionate about helping people overcome boundaries through spiritual and social consciousness. I love the work of ONEness and  am co-creator of Brownicity: The Art & Beauty of Living & Loving Beyond Race, our platform for inspiring, equipping and empowering people to eradicate race ideology. 
Lucretia Carter Berry, Ph.D (Curriculum & Instruction)
Brownicity.com

2 Across In Love And LIfe

Have you ever met anyone that you found annoyingly attractive? Someone who you would not normally be attracted to because of all their quirks? Maybe they seem instantly repulsive, but at the same time something pulls you in their direction? Or could it be that it seems you are the only two left on Earth OR on the BART transit system?

This romantic comedy promises to reach inside of your personal life and shine a light on those parts you dared to keep hidden. That chance encounter of the perfect stranger where you get to be whomever you want to be to protect yourself from the present danger of things in common like crossword puzzles and love. While protecting yourself from missing another opportunity to marry Mrs. Right. Or to protecting yourself from being drawn in by another man who will leave you out in the cold. Well this hour and a half stage performance proves to each of us that the walls we put up against ‘new’ love are real. Using past pain, regrets, or even degrees are not enough when you run into the one that will cross your path and test your heart strings. 

This 2 person performance would seem to be a challenge to pull off, but Mara Rosenberg (Janet) and Phil Robertson (Josh) pull it off nicely. They kept the audience engaged the entire time. The room filled with laughter at every other turn in the play. There was unexpected, heart warming moments on the transit ride that I was sure was going to end with these two strangers never seeing each other again. Then there was the naughty moment with the thought of there being a secret affair by two who were not happy in their current situation. My heart raced as I wondered 'could a kiss with a stranger make it better'? If only for 90 minutes it could. 

If you love a good romantic comedy you will enjoy this performance. Rachel Jeffreys, the Director did a wonderful job with this presentation. It will run another weekend at Upstage in NoDa 3306 North Davidson Street, Charlotte, NC 28205. Stop by www.threebonetheatre.com to purchase tickets.